Pretty things keep floating through my head but I can’t seem to pin one thing down to talk about. Distracting and not always helpful, I’m grateful for those pretty, whispy thoughts that come and go. One minute I can be thinking about a dipping a pussy willow in turquoise paint to see what it would look like, and the next minute picturing myself playing bass guitar on stage, in front of thousands. I wish my brain had a slide show function to capture all of these things.
Last week there was a dark blip, a day of knots in the stomach and a lost appetite. I accept this day every year, try and nurture myself through it and am grateful that this darkness only visits for a day a year now.
The month of November was when my post-partum really kicked into high gear 10 years ago. I dreaded waking up and equally dreaded night time because of anxiety induced insomnia. Nights were horribly lonely, with nothing to distract me from thinking the unthinkable. The days were painfully long, it took everything in me to get through the day. Eating was near impossible and small chores were like mountains in my path. I would try and hide from my bright, curious, energetic daughter what agony I was in, so often on the verge of tears, fearing my state was ruining her. I was so caught up in the mess of post-partum, refusing offers of help, suffering alone. The bright point of my day was seeing Jo’s car lights beaming through the dining room window when he came home from work – never early enough for me.
What used to be my worst time of day, late afternoon and early evening, is now my best time of day. Surrounded by energetic chatter, lively fighting, moans over whatever meal I am planning on torturing them with, games of Blokus, cards, homework tears and then homework triumph. There is a perpetual cold-getting-colder tea on the counter every afternoon that I just never get around to drinking because I am bustling baby. When Jo gets home from work, it is not a sense of relief I feel, just a sense of completion. Everyone is home.
I am so grateful that those dark days are in the past and that I have what I have.